Glimpses of Reality

The other night, NetFlix wasn't working, so I just listened to some music until I fell asleep.  One thing that happened was that I had a couple flashes of reality.  Every once in awhile, I have those and I see how I must appear through other people's eyes.  

What I see, and what I fear, is that people might see that I am totally and certifiably NUTS!  Of course, no one can really see what other people see, but I feel like I am seeing things a little more clearly than usual when I have one of these glimpses into reality.  I see my behavior as somewhat erratic and quite unpredictable.  

I'm sure that is at least part of the reason I was nearly fired from my job.  I wasn't actually fired, just demoted to a part-time position.  Not knowing how things were going to be, from moment to moment, is most likely part of the reason that I was moved to part-time.  I know that I can become quite intense if I am trying to do a good job on something.  And I really wanted to do great at being a supervisor, so I would imagine I was pretty intense at times.  

 What do I mean by "intense"?  Well, I can't really describe what that means exactly, but I will do my best.  I tend to fly off the handle, or cry, or behave in other inacceptable ways.  I can yell or just say really inappropriate things.  I also tend to be too familiar with people and say things that put people off.  I may intend to be friendly, and be joking with them, but they take it the wrong way.  So I almost always get an instant reputation as someone who is insensitive to others, when I think I am only goofing around.  And I can't seem to control it or know in advance that I am going to do that.

You would think that after having this occur so often, that I would just know enough to not do it.  But, of course, I don't.  I laugh with people and then I think we are "buds" or something and I let my personality shine.  And, as so often happens, I just manage to say the totally wrong thing and completely screw it all up.  Then, I spend the rest of the time at the place walking on eggshells, so as to not upset anyone.  I have to remember that I need to walk on eggshells at the beginning and be careful--NOT the other way around.  But, alas, I still haven't learned.

I mean doesn't all that just add up to Freud's definition of insanity?  Doing things the same way over and over again and expecting different results?  Isn't that his definition of insanity?  Wasn't it Freud?  Well, none of that is really relevant, but it is true.  Then I am surprised when I get fired or demoted or just get looked over again and again for promotions.  I guess I need to look through other people's eyes more often.  I have a feeling that if I were looking at someone like me for a promotion, I would probably think I was a whack job and overlook me, too.

The fact of the matter is this:  I really should be glad that I can work and hold down a job at all.  Lots of people with Bipolar Disorder are unable to work because of their disease.  I really wish I was full-time again, but I probably won't get to do that again too soon.  For right now, I think maybe what I've got is a favorable situation. 

I am part-time, but occasionally I manage to get some almost full-time hours.  Like this week, for example:  I'm scheduled for 24 hours, but I worked 5 extra yesterday, so that makes 29, which isn't too bad.  Also, without having gone to part-time, I never would have been able to go after this dream of becoming a writer.  Needless to say, I'm doing it on my own terms as a few blogs, but it's still writing on a full-time basis.  The job is just to bring in survival money until I can figure out how to make the blogs profitable.  If that ever happens, then I will be able to quit the "real job" altogether.  Will it ever happen?  Who knows?

In the meantime, though, maybe I should count my blessings and not analyze too much.  I have been given this chance and I plan to run with it.  My mom says I spend too much time on my "hobby", instead of on taking care of the house.  Why can't she understand that I hope to make this a real deal--not just a hobby for the rest of my life?  Eventally, I think it will work, it's just that right now starting off, it is a lot of work just to figure out what I am doing and how I want things to look on the blogs.  It's a lot to research and to figure out how to do everything that needs to be done should be done.  But I think I can do it.  

I know that things will be better eventually--they always are.  And then they get bad.  And then they get better again. And then life goes on.  

When I have these little glimpses of reality, they are at first very shocking and really set me back.  Sometimes, I even get sick to my stomach and feel like I might throw up if I have to face people again, knowing what I know about myself.  I try to be "normal", but I'm not.  I'm different.  I always have been.  

My reasons for starting this blog include trying to reach out to those of you who are like me and face the struggle of Bipolar Disorder each day.  I want you to know that you are not alone.  But I also want to know that I am not alone in the struggle, too.  I know that I am not, but sometimes I forget.  I really would like this blog to be more of a discussion forum than anything else.  I want to talk to you, but I want you to talk to me, too.

If you are reading this right now, please let me know.  I hope that by sharing my own experiences with you that maybe you will see yourself in some of them and come to understand yourself and your illness, or that of a loved one, a little better.  Keep coming back and I hope that I will ultimately provide you with some insight into your own situation.  I know I sure would like to know if there is anyone else in the world who thinks the way I do!

Anyway, I guess that really is all I have to say for right now.  Don't forget to leave a comment below--let me know how you cope with holding a job and if you ever have paralyzing "glimpses of reality" like I do.  Just don't forget--it's a long road, but it always continues on into the sunset.  There is light and color here in the darkness under the rainbow!  We just need to find it and I hope that we can, together.

Peace and Love Always,

Angela

Photo Credits:  Carnation:  Photo credit: MacBeales via Visualhunt.com / CC BY-ND;  Queen Anne's Lace:  Photo credit: Nebojsa Mladjenovic via Visual Hunt / CC BY-NC-ND;  Rose:  Photo credit: PMillera4 via VisualHunt / CC BY-NC-ND;  Passion Flower:  Photo credit: CameliaTWU via VisualHunt.com / CC BY-NC-ND;  Dandelion Seed Head:  Photo credit: Darwin Bell via Visual hunt / CC BY-NC;   Aster:  Photo credit: spodzone via Visualhunt / CC BY-NC-ND;  Dahlia:  Photo credit: 鴉片丹 via Visualhunt.com / CC BY-NC-ND;  Orchid:  Photo credit: Shawn Harquail via Visual Hunt / CC BY-NC;  Lily:  Photo credit: Carolina Lafetá via VisualHunt.com / CC BY;  Hen and Chicks:  Photo credit: Bill Gracey via VisualHunt / CC BY-NC-ND;  Hydrangea:  Photo credit: Jeremy Brooks via VisualHunt.com / CC BY-NC